Rules for Hogwarts
by Phoenixfromthefire
Summary: Ten rules and the incidents that caused them. *I don't own Harry Potter*
1. Rule 1

1) Playing _Imperial March_ when a professor walks into a room is not appropriate. (We know it's you Fred and George, we just can't prove it)

* * *

Professor McGonagall was flustered, she hated being late for anything. When she swept into the classroom, her eyes instantly fell on the Weasley twins, as they looked like they were up to something.

She marched up to her desk and pulled out her wand. Then it started. 'It' being the muggle theme tune from that sci-fi movie.

Her eye twitched minutely, then she lost it. She cast a silencing charm, stopping the music, just as she was about to put the entire class in detention, it started again.

The class began laughing at the professors shocked expression, before she screamed at them.

"One hundred points from each of you, and a weeks detention!"

The class was silent, and the music stopped. McGonagall started the lesson.

She knew who it was, but couldn't prove it.


	2. Rule 2

2) Pretending to use unforgivable curses on first years is now a punishable offence.

* * *

Holly Sanders was walking with her friends to their first lesson at Hogwarts. But, unfortunately they had become slightly lost, and by slightly I mean Holly didn't even think they were in the castle anymore.

A prefect turned the corner.

"Why aren't you in lessons?" He asked.

"We got lost on the way to charms," Daisy said.

He raised an eyebrow and murmured 'charms?'

"Go back the way you came, the take the third right, then first left, then straight ahead,"

The first years whispered thanks and turned back.

As they were about to turn the left corner, someone leaped out and yelled "Avada Kadabra!"

Holly raised her arms on instinct, but there was no green light, only laughter and someone running.

Some of her group were screaming, others crying, but a few had realised what had happened.

Holly saw a wand on the floor, she picked it up and turned it in her hands. She snapped it, the 'wand' was a twig.


	3. Rule 3

3) Pulling on Dumbledore's beard is not a good idea

* * *

The Headmaster had a twinkle in his eyes as he surveyed his students. The twins were giggling about something, having previously being engaged in truth or dare. A second year was looking nervous.

Dumbledore smiled, the results of this would undoubtable be amusing.

The student walked past him, and when he was near the silver beard, he tugged on it then ran away.

Dumbledore froze in shock. He was Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of the most prestigious wizarding school in Europe. How dare someone pull on his beard?! It was his pride and joy, his most defining feature!

It was elegant, mysterious, magical!

By now most of the students had noticed the dumbfounded headmaster, and a light giggling had broken out. He fixed the offenders with Voldermort-destroying stares, and stormed off to introduce the Weasleys and their victim to the Forbidden Forest.

And thinking about it, Fluffy needed feeding.


	4. Rule 4

4) After the incident with Mrs Norris, all broomsticks must remain in an appropriate place when not in use.

* * *

Mrs Norris was patrolling the corridors for wayward students. Filch wanted her to report any rule breaking, which would be so much easier if the students liked her. She constantly sensed the desire to kick her, solve them right when they were in detention.

Her sharp ears pick up a whooshing sound, getting louder. She prowled towards the sound of the noise. She would destroy the perpetrators with her ninja-cat skills, claw them to death with her claws. Not that she had ever done that, but one day.

She slipped around the corner, and two brown streaks shot past her. She yowled as the tail end caught her. The streaks stopped, turning into rider-less brooms. They turned eerily, and shot back at her.

Mrs Norris bolted, but the brooms were faster. One scooped her up and rose into the air, and the other circled below. The cat shook, yowling for her master.

"Mrs Norris! Mrs Norris! What's wrong?!" Filch shouted as he rounded the corner. He let out a screech when he saw her.

The circling broom turned to him, and barrelled towards him. The man ran screaming for professors. When he was gone, the broom dropped and Mrs Norris lay on the floor, who said cats always landed on their feet?


	5. Rule 5

**A/N: Hi guys, I would like to thank anyone who followed, favourited or even read this story. If you were wondering which book this takes place in, unless one is specifically mentioned.**

 **Do you have any rules you want to see? Then PM me or write a review with it.**

 **On with the rules…**

5) Using expelliarmus to knock books out of people's hands is NOT funny!

Hermione was leaving the library, books piled up in her hands. Their exams were in a couple of weeks and she was horribly unprepared, all the excitement around the Triwizard tournament (Quadwizard if she was being picky) had swept her along, leaving no time to study.

She navigated through the corridors, unable to see past her books, muttering sorrrys when she bumped someone.

At last she reached Gryffindor Tower. She said the password, but the Fat lady only told her it had changed. Hermione stood waiting for someone to open the door for her.

There were footsteps and laughter.

"Don't know the new password 'Mione," Ron said between laughs.

"Just open it!" she was getting more and more irritated by the second.

"'K then. It's H… _Expelliarmus!_ " the spell hit her, and all the books flew in the air.

Ron ran off, and Hermione stood in shock for a few seconds, before shouting "RONALD WEASLEY! I WILL DRAG YOU TO HELL!" before chasing him, brandishing her wand menacingly.


	6. Rule 6

5) For the hundredth time, the Forbidden Forest is called that for a reason. I don't care if you saw the Weasley twins do it, it's _forbidden._

The two second years stood sheepishly in Dumbledore's office. They were both covered in cuts, twigs, mud and for some reason one was holding a textbook.

"What part of forbidden don't you understand?" Dumbledore asked calmly.

"But the-," the one with the textbook said.

"But nothing!" Dumbledore shouted. "You have broken countless school regulations- it's a miracle you're alive!" the second year had started flicking through the textbook. "And why in Merlin's name do you have a textbook!"

The other second year looked offended.

"Sir, it's so much more than a textbook- it's the 'Weasley guide to Survival in the Forbidden Forest'. Even tells you how to deal with it if you get caught!" the boy was beaming at this point.

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and _accio_ ed the 'Guide'. He flicked through it, there were detailed drawings of beasts, escape routes and defensive spells- each accompanied by a description.

When he reached the back page, simply labelled 'Caught', he saw a caricature of himself raining fire down on students. He shut the book with a slam, took a calming breath and…

"THIS IS THE MOST DISRESPECTFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!" He stood up. "IT USED TO BE 'BUT THE WEASLEY'S DID IT', NOW THIS!"

At this point, Dumbledore's beard was starting to spark, and the two students ran out of the office. They heard faint curses behind them as the headmaster noticed his flaming beard.

Back in his office, Dumbledore sighed.

"Perhaps that was more accurate than I thought it was," he said to himself.


	7. Rule 7

**Before we begin, a special thank you to kassa71 for her review and rule suggestions. This rule was created by her.**

7) Buying Professor Snape degreaser is neither amusing or appreciated.

Snape pushed open the doors to his dungeon room. The faint smell of toad tongues and mothballs persuaded the stale air around him. Snape breathed deeply and sighed, this smell was _his._

Dumping some papers on his desk _-_ undoubtedly awful and nothing compared to standard- he strides into the bathroom. The thick black robes do his personal hygiene no favours in the summer, if you catch my meaning.

Just as he's about to cast a cleaning charm, he hears giggles from the other room and frantic running.

He pulls himself up to his full size and gets out his wand. Quickly, he pushes open the door. On his desk was a package, wrapped in glittering pink wrapping paper and a shiny purple ribbon. He tugs open ribbon with his wand, and the box slowly falls away, standing in the middle of the boxes shell was a horrifying sight. A sight that would scar Snape forever, one so terrible it made him quake.

Degreaser, or more specifically _extra strength_ degreaser.

He would find who did this, and he would make them pay.


	8. Rule 8

8) If you try experimental Weasley goods for money, we are not in any way responsible for what happens to you.

* * *

It was a normal day at Hogwarts, or at least as normal as a day at Hogwarts could be. So far, Snape had only made three first years cry, Peeves had pulled ten prank (let's just say the second floor bathroom was off limits for the foreseeable future) and a mere two-hundred inches of homework had been set.

It was on this most normal of days, at this most normal of breakfasts, when a second year started steaming. Now, this being Hogwarts, unusual sights were common place, but steaming was a new one, still, it was ignored- just another oddity that came with having magic. The more observant of people would have noticed the Weasley twins with notebooks and pens, staring intently at the boy, jotting down a few words now and then.

But back to the steaming wizard. He himself was feeling rather smug, five sickles for a bit of discomfort, not too bad. The people around him were edging away, small price to pay really. Hang on, was that burning!

The misty waves of steam had evolved into thick billowing smoke that rose up and curled into the sunny illusion above their heads. Soon the smoke turned pitch black and started spewing ash.

"I didn't sign up to this!" the second year screamed, as the ash settled around him in a dark carpet.

In unison, the twins whispered "Yes you did."

The smoke kept on rising, more and more, till it filled the air like a smog. There was silence, and everyone held their breaths including the professors trying to stop the smoke. Suddenly, a scream echoed from the centre of the cloud, there was a bright flash and a thud. The smoke was quickly removed and the sight inside was revealed.

The wizard lay on the floor, surrounded by red embers and small flames. As Madam Pomfrey took the boy to the med wing, the Weasley's gave each other devilish grins.

"Volcanic Volumizer?" Fred asked.

"Coming to your showers soon!" George answered.


	9. Rule 9

9) The ancient 'No cursing teachers then running away' rule has been amended to no longer cover certain inspectors *cough* Umbridge *cough*.

The pink blob moved through the corridors like a malevolent discoloured toad. All was well. She had taken down the DA, Dumbledore and now had complete and total control over Hogwarts. The only thing dampening her mood was the faint smell of fireworks in the air and the fact he headteachers office refused to open for her.

With a slight smile, she observed the downtrodden children walking silently to their next lessons. Her smile only grew wider when she saw a slightly dishevelled Gryffindor first year, her heels tapped on the floor as she approached her prey.

"Now now," she sweetly sneered. "Uniform like that is hardly befitting of a Hogwarts student." Umbridge stood up tall as she could. "My office at five!" she snapped, whirling around, and tottering off to torment someone else.

"Oh, go to hell" she heard muttered behind her.

Umbridge turned back, fully prepared to blast the first year out of existence. Somewhere a door creaked open behind her.

"Filpendo!" cried an unknown voice and Umbridge screamed as she was knocked back by the spell. The door slammed shut.

The first year had taken this opportunity to run, but Umbridge didn't care about him anymore. She faced the closed door and slammed it open, raising her wand to release hell on the spell caster.

In the classroom there was no one but Professor McGonagall siting at the oak desk.

"Problem Dolores? Or have you interrupted my marking for a chat?"

"It was you!"

"Enlighten me. What have I done?"

"You jinxed me!"

"I assure you I did not, now please leave, pink can be rather distracting."

Umbridge humped and stormed out, leaving a smirking McGonagall alone.

"OK, you can come out now Mr-" A pudgy face rose from under the desk.

 **Competition time! Guess who cursed Umbridge correctly first and get a special shout out next time, I'll post when I have at least five guesses. Pm me or review with your answr, or just review I'm not fussy.**


	10. Rule 10

**And the answer is... Neville. As promised a shout out to Vayanna, Style1234 and TealBlueEyes.**

10) If you're caught having another school-wide prank war, there will be severe consequences.

Harry lay in wait behind a gleaming suit of armour eyes fixed in the mechanism above the door. He had visited Fred and George's shop in the holidays, and the twins had supplied him with a experimental prank.

It was developed from a muggle prank, a bucket of water above a door, but the twins took it further. When his victim opened the door water would pour down onto them, and the manifest into a 'water lion' which would chase them down the corridors.

His victim had been carefully selected. Ron had claimed no one could pull one over him as he grew up with two infamous pranksters, and up until now he had been untouched in the prank war.

Ron was currently talking to professor Flitwit in the classroom. When Ron had stayed behind Harry had run back to the dorm room and got the prank, setting it up.

Harry grinned as the door creaked open and water cascaded down. He stepped out to claim victory, but it wasn't Ron who greeted him, it was a very angry charms professor. Harry bolted as the professor (and water lion) followed.

The footsteps vanished into the distance, and the armour's visor crept up and a freckled boy smirked and clambered out of his hiding place.


End file.
